The Bachelor Week 2

Well, since my kids decided to go to bed at 6:45 tonight, I finally got to watch last night's Bachelor.

Here is my recap, just in case you don't want to waste two hours of your life that you will never get back...

Once again we have to hear all about how Brad is different now. Brad - we get it. You've changed. Enough already. We forgive you.

Brad takes Ashley H on a fantasy date to a field with a personal carnival set up for just them two. Obviously something that would never happen in real life. Doesn't the Bachelor understand THAT very reason is why their success rate is only like 2%? What they need to do is take Brad and Ashley to a crowded restaurant, make them wait 2 hours for a table, and then when they finally get seated - sit them next to me and my kids! If they can survive that, they can make it. BUT, a magical carnival where everything is super perfect, not so much. Seriously, that atmosphere can make you fall in lust with anyone. If Brad had taken Susan Boyle on that date, they probably would have made out the whole time too!

The group date was pointless... it's the same one we've seen on Jake, Ali and many other Bachelor/Bachelorette shows. Film something that will never be seen by anyone, make the bachelor/bachelorette kiss multiple contestants. The crazy one flips out and gets all of the attention - SEEN IT!

Speaking of crazy... did you know that it was Maria Menounos' birthday the same day as the group day?

Maria Menounous

Michelle Money

Oh, I meant Michelle's... No seriously, it was her birthday. Not her 29th, not her 31st but her 30th birthday. She should have got some alone time because it was her birthday. All she had to go do was turn into Pouty McPoutapuss (thanks Cristen!) and she got the alone time because it was her birthday. She also got the rose because it was her birthday. All she wanted was to be treated special on her 30th (not 29th, not 31st) birthday.

Michelle, let me let you in on a little secret. Men don't care about birthdays, only women do. My birthday was last Thursday and guess what my husband got me? A horrible case of the Shingles (not on me, but on him. They turned him into a wet blanket - understandably so, but that is what I get for marrying an older man). So, get over it and get used to it... it only gets worse once you're married and isn't that what you're there for - or is it to gain a hot hosting spot on Access Hollywood?

On Brad's second alone date he wanted to "give Jackie her very own 'Pretty Woman' experience." Um, I'm not sure if I'm the only one thinking this, but don't I recall Viv being a hooker? Now, that's the closest I've seen The Bachelor come to a REAL marriage in all of it's 15 seasons. Because let's face it ladies... isn't that all marriage is - legalized prostitution. You want to buy shoes, your husband doesn't want you to spend the money. So you do "it" whether you actually want to do it or not and magically your husband does not care whether you buy the shoes. Well, that's prostitution ladies. I just hope that Brad didn't take Jackie out on the corner and make her turn tricks before her private concert with Train - the cheapest band that will make you go "yeah, I've heard of them". Que Seal for next week.

There was drama at the cocktail party between Raichel Goodyear and Melissa S, but I honestly can't tell you what it was about. I tuned out the shrill chihuahua barks and started looking at the new issue of Quilt Magazine. Surprisingly at the rose ceremony they BOTH got cut. Duh... cat fighting is not an attractive quality in a life mate.

The rose ceremony was filled with a lot of "OOPS, we didn't see enough of her this episode, we better show her face"

Whosit

Whatsherface

And then there was Madison and her fangs... My dear friend Kendra please stop reading right now...

NEWSFLASH MADISON - TWILIGHT IS JUST A BOOK. VAMPIRES ARE NOT REAL. EDWARD CULLEN WAS WRITTEN BY A WOMAN AND THEREFOR IS THE PERFECT MAN. WHICH DOES NOT EXIST IN REAL LIFE. I know, I know I'm sure you feel the same as when you found out Santa was your parents, but you were bound to find out somehow. Better from me than from all of those girls you were rooming with that were all LAUGHING AT YOU AND YOUR FANGS BEHIND YOUR BACK! So, like in third grade when you had to put up your Santa hat when you found out he is a myth, PUT THE FANGS AWAY CREEPSTER!

That's it. Tune in next week for Seal (whom I love by the way) - another inexpensive semi-relevant artist that will make you say "I've heard of him."

Oh, and "If I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight."